Becoming a Neuroaffirming Parent

"Parenting a neurodivergent child can feel hard because you're not just raising your child — you're constantly navigating a world that wasn't built with their needs in mind." — Nurtured Neuro Kids

In the past few years, therapy services have shifted in the way they work with neurodiverse children and adults.   Instead of thinking of Autism, ADHD, Dyslexia or Anxiety as individualproblems to be fixed, helping professionals are adopting a neuroaffirming approach which includes:

• Accommodating, Not "Normalizing": Traditional therapies often focused on conditioned compliance (forcing a child to stop "stimming" or mask their traits) to make them blend in. Neuro-affirming therapy respects a person's autonomy, allowing them to regulate their nervous system in ways that feel safe.

• Understanding Behavior: Instead of labeling behaviors as defiance, a neuro-affirming lens views these actions as valid forms of communication or reactions to sensory overload.

• Sensory Safety: It prioritizes building a physically and mentally comfortable environment (e.g., adjustable lighting, allowing fidgets, and respecting non-speaking communication).

Many parents of neurodiverse children appreciate this shift thinking, and are working to become neuroaffirming parents themselves. As coaches, we have traveled with parents on this journey.   We have witnessed parents making the cognitive shifts necessary to adopt the framework, which are extensive:  accepting behaviors as communication rather than “good” or “bad”, celebrating special interests even when they drive you crazy, and accommodating environments and creating experiences to enhance the chances of your child’s success, even when it means missing out on something you as a parent wanted to do.  

And even though these are huge shifts to be made in the way we think about our kids and being a parent, we have witnessed countless parents do this work - often called cognitive reappraisal.  And while the cognitive shifts can be tricky, the emotional work can be even more demanding.  

How do we really feel about our child melting down on the sidewalk in front of school, or when our child says something less than polite to another child or adult, or when our kid decides combing their hair is not happening?   Generally, these are stressful, embarrassing, and frustrating moments that can test even the most regulated, neuroaffirming parent.  

The following Emotional acceptance strategies are research based and effective for many when encountering a behavior that triggers you as a parent:

Radical Acceptance Statements

• "I don't like it, but it is real."

• "This is happening, and I can survive it."

RAIN - Developed by psychologist Tara Brach, RAIN is a four-step framework for processing emotions: 

• Recognize: Identify the emotion in the moment (e.g., "I am feeling angry").

• Allow: Let the emotion exist without trying to fix, alter, or escape it.

• Investigate: Notice where the emotion lives in your body (e.g., tension in the chest, a knot in the stomach).

• Nurture: Offer yourself compassion or a kind internal phrase like, "It makes sense that I feel this way." 

Observe the 90-second Rule

• Neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor found that emotions and their associated physiological responses usually flush out of the body in about 90 seconds. Remind yourself of this biological fact when a heavy feeling arises, allowing the wave to crest and pass without reacting. 

Acting “As If “ 

• In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), "willing hands" and a "half-smile" are physical ways to signal acceptance to your brain (basically, acting as if you are calm and relaxed).  While counterintuitive, loosening your posture, relaxing your muscles, and adopting a neutral facial expression helps physically shift your body out of a fight-or-flight resistant state.

We appreciate and use research-based tools from therapy.  However, we have heard from parents that sometimes, the best strategy is just talking to someone who understands.   It’s having a safe place for a parent to say “I don’t always like my kid,” or “parenting this child is not what I thought it would be.”  The coaches at TPC are willing to sit with you in that feeling, and can remind you that being neuroaffirming doesn’t mean you always like your child. It does mean that you are committed to seeing your child as a whole person and are committed to being curious about their experience of the world. 

"Embrace the unique way your child is blooming — even if it’s not in the garden you imagined." — Jenn Soehnlin 

Resources: 

Wonderful Wired Brain - a resource for kids https://www.booktrust.org.uk/book-recommendations/bookfinder/wonderfully-wired-brains-an-introduction-to-the-world-of-neurodiversity/

Where They’re Planted Podcast - 1 episode out and & 2 upcoming on supporting individuals with ASD: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/where-theyre-planted/id1723768366

Thrive Webinar - June 5th- A free webinar with additional strategies to try when you are not enjoying parenting; registration required: https://www.thrivingparentscollective.com/thrive-webinar