Is it power-over parenting - or just bullying?

"Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?" - Jane Nelsen (author of Positive Discipline)

Through the work I have done as a parent, I am fully aware that I can move into power-over parenting when triggered by my kid’s behaviors.  I want to control situations and behaviors in an effort to control my own fears.  However, during a conversation with a coworker around the very real harm that can be done when kids are bullied by peers, I realized... I may also be a bully.   What came to mind was a recent weekend while we were traveling and my 14 year old said something rude and obnoxious to me- and in the presence of other people.   I was triggered - my fear of judgement from others, my embarrassment, my spiraling thoughts of “who does this kid think he is?  He can’t treat people like this!”  led to some pretty obnoxious behaviors of my own.   My reaction was not one of which I am proud (it  involved some finger pointing, a threatening voice, and a promise to take away all the fun things over the weekend), but I didn’t consider myself a bully at the time. 

Now, as  I reflect on his behavior and mine, I wonder.   Bullying generally involves a power imbalance and threatening behavior.   DId that apply in this instance?   Absolutely.  In an adult - child relationship, there is always a power imbalance.  And I get that we often feel these days that our kids are running the show and that the power imbalance has shifted, but in reality, in all interactions with an adult and a child, the adult holds the power.  Was my behavior threatening?  You bet- literally and figuratively.   Sometimes parenting feels like just trying to get your kid to do or stop doing a behavior.  And while those attempts to get my kid to change something may not always be outright threatening (although they were that weekend), using shame, coercion and lobbying may be read as threats by my child.  

So, I see it (reluctantly) now.   What’s next?    

First, I need to forgive myself.  There were a lot of reasons that I snapped - stress, exhaustion, lack of food, and just being a human with emotions.  Once I offer myself some grace, I hope to shift that to my kid.   Were the same factors in play for him?   Yep.  And his teenage brain is simply not able to control all impulses or manage all emotions.  

Second, I need to repair.   I need some conversation with my kid today now that we have had some time.   Did we move past the behavior and actually have some good moments this weekend?  Yes.  Did I actually take away all the fun things we had planned?  Of course not.   Did I repair in that moment?  No - because I wasn’t ready.  However, if I never make the repair, I am making it more likely we will have these moments again.   A repair involves an apology - naming and owning my own reactions and feelings, a validation for how my behavior may have affected him, and my plan for what I will do differently next time.  

Do I know exactly what my strategy will be next time?  Not yet - but I do know there will be another moment where he uses a tone I don’t like, or words I’d prefer not to hear, and for the sake of our connection, I want to respond as something other than a bully.   

Curious to explore your own triggers and behaviors as a parent? Coaching offers a safe place to talk about all moments- especially the ones we are not proud of.  

Check out our individual coaching sessions to find out more.