Keeping the brain in mind (or- how to make parenting teens tolerable)

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”  ~Nora Ephron 

At Thriving Parents Collective, we offer a workshop for parents entitled “From Surviving to Thriving: What to do when you don’t like parenting.” There have been different phases of my kids’ development where I have not particularly enjoyed parenting.   Three kids under 5 years old?  No thank you.  But this sentiment may have never been as true as it is while I am parenting teenagers.  

I am tired of constant negotiations, dishes in the sink and towels on the floor. I often think I am only needed for rides somewhere, or for money in the lunch account.  I am tired of asking about homework, telling them to get off screens, and reminding them to brush their teeth.  All of those things are slightly more tolerable when there are a few moments of connection and joy.  Even then I have to remind myself that those happy moments are going to look different- they will likely be brief, and they will definitely not involve hugs or words of appreciation.

When parenting feels challenging to me, I often go looking for the brain science to tell me that what I am experiencing is typical and there are reasons why my kids act the way they do. 

I came across this article in Science News Today (https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-teenage-brain-what-happens-and-why-it-matters) and found some of the reassurance I was looking for.  Here are some "brain-based" reminders for all of you currently parenting teens, and for those who are still looking forward to it ;)

• "During adolescence, the brain undergoes extensive remodeling. Neural connections are strengthened or pruned based on use, efficiency, and experience. This process, known as synaptic pruning, is a critical step toward making the brain more efficient. The adolescent brain eliminates weaker neural pathways and strengthens those that are repeatedly used, effectively shaping the mind based on the individual’s environment, learning, and choices."                        How this helps in parenting - keep in mind that it is completely typical to see your teen start forgetting something they used to do, or to struggle in learning a new skill.  It is often not willful or an attempt to rebel, but really is just a brain under construction.  

• "In teenagers, the prefrontal cortex (the thinking part of the brain) is still maturing. The incomplete development of this region contributes to the impulsivity and emotional reactivity typical of adolescence. Teenagers may act on emotions or impulses before fully considering the consequences, not because they lack intelligence, but because the neural systems for inhibition and long-term thinking are still developing."                                                                                         How this helps in parenting - remind yourself teens will be impulsive, and they need to experience some natural consequences for impulse control to develop. They also need us to keep them safe from the those impulsive behaviors that can be truly dangerous, and this is why boundaries are necessary.  Be confident in the fact that your teen needs guideposts or rules, and also know that teens probably won't like you boundaries. That's okay, they don't have to like them all.

• "There is also an imbalance between a hyperactive limbic system (emotions) and an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex which creates what neuroscientists call the “mismatch” effect. Teenagers are wired for sensation and emotion, but their regulatory systems have not yet caught up."                                                         How this helps in parenting - when you see an epic meltdown, door slamming, or a teen yelling “I hate you”, remind yourself this emotionality does not represent a character flaw or parenting failure, but rather a prefrontal cortex that is trying to catch up to a highly reactive emotional system. If you can, model some coping strategies in these situations, and trust that your teen will follow suit. Someday.  

• "The nucleus accumbens, a key structure in the brain’s reward system, releases dopamine in response to pleasurable experiences. During adolescence, dopamine activity peaks, driving a heightened desire for novelty, excitement, and social reward. This surge in dopamine makes rewarding experiences—such as peer interactions, music, or risk-taking—especially powerful. However, it can also increase susceptibility to addiction, as the teenage brain learns rapidly from rewarding stimuli."   How this helps in parenting - knowing that dopamine activity peaks in teen years - help guide your teens towards activities that can engage these systems in a healthy way (movement, sports, nature, music, ) and away from activities that can hijack the dopamine response system (screens). 

  
  

Recognizing that the teenage brain is still under construction can shift the narrative from judgment (about ourselves as parents or our teens as humans) to understanding.

This may be the reframe you need to survive parenting during the teen years.  

And if you want to thrive while parenting teens? I suggest a dog.

Join us for our next From Surviving to Thriving webinar on April 27th.