Beyond The Screen: Creating Connection In Real Life
- sarahdimick8
- Sep 23
- 2 min read
“My whole focus is in switching the perception of parents from 'my child is being a problem' to 'my child is having a problem.' I think screen time is one of those issues that is symptomatic of things that are going on inside the family.”
– Bonnie Harris, MS Ed, director of Connective Parenting
How did it feel to read this quote? For me, it brings up feelings of annoyance, then shame, and then hopelessness. Out of my three children, one definitely spent too much time on screens. And as much as I would like to blame society/algorithms/ and the addictive nature of screens for my kids’ excessive screen use, the reality is… it starts with me.
Did I use a screen as a babysitter for my young children when I was exhausted? -Yep
Do my teens currently see me scrolling on my phone as a way to take a break? -Yep
Did screen usage become a battleground topic where my own dysregulation, need for control, and anxiety were put on full display? -Yep
When I look back at my child's screen use, I can see all the places where I took missteps, and used a lot of energy on being mad at my child for not controlling their behavior. It would have been energy better spent on connecting with my child, and then working together to regulate in new ways.
Experts encourage looking under the surface behavior of gaming or watching videos to uncover what needs screens are meeting for your child. The book, How to Raise a Healthy Gamer, by Dr. Alok Kanojia outlines the following needs that screens meet:
competence
novelty
challenge
autonomy
connection
Parent coach Meredith Wodrich recommends having "Curious Conversations" with your child to see if together you can discover the particular needs screens are meeting for your child.
Curious conversations Do's:
Enter the conversation with curiousity, calm and presence.
Reformulate or repeat back what your child says
Allow for silence
Guess at emotions
Curious conversation Don'ts:
Educate, judge, or try to teach a lesson
Give advice
Reassure
Curious conversations can be one step on the way to reclaiming connection with your child. Want to learn more? Check out this webinar series- three 1-hour videos for you to watch on your own filled with practical tips and strategies, and the opportunity to join a live zoom conversation to ask questions and hear from other parents!
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