Emotional Resilience and failure

Mother embracing child

"Success is not built on success. It's built on failure. It's built on frustration. Sometimes it's built on catastrophe." -Sumner Redstone

I really value this quote because I often feel like my family is teetering on the brink of disaster. I connect with the idea that failure is essential for learning and growth. Intellectually, I can accept that experiencing difficult emotions—like the frustration that comes with failure—is necessary. But the lived reality of sitting with my own emotions, or watching my children struggle with theirs, is far more challenging than I’d like to admit.

When intense feelings like anger, fear, or disappointment arise, I don’t always feel grounded or safe in my own body. What feels most difficult for me is witnessing my children experience frustration and failure. The instinct to protect or “rescue” them has been there throughout every stage of parenting, but it feels especially strong now that they’re teenagers, facing bigger choices and more significant consequences.

What’s behind these sensations and thoughts around witnessing frustration and failure?  A quick internet search provided the following summary:

• Protective instincts and empathy- Parents naturally want to protect their children from disappointment, embarrassment, and frustration.

• Fear of parental failure -Parents often internalize their children’s setbacks, fearing that a mistake means they (the parents) are not "good enough".

• Long-Term anxiety-Many parents worry that a minor failure today—such as a bad grade or losing a game—will negatively impact their child's future success or opportunities.

• Misguided love or over-parenting - The desire to ensure children are happy and comfortable can lead to rescuing them from consequences, which prevents them from learning from mistakes.

• Pressure and competition- Modern competitive environments, such as sports or academics, cause parents to fear that their child will "fall behind."

  
  

I was surprised at how accurately this list described my experience as a parent.  So my second search asked, “what do I do about it?”  In essence, how do I get my body to catch up with my brain, and know that failure is okay? 

To remain regulated when children fail, parents can practice self-care to manage their own stress, pause before reacting, and reframe failure as a learning opportunity rather than a reflection of their parenting. 

• Self-Regulation Strategies for Parents:

  • Pause and Breathe: Before reacting to a child's failure, take 1–5 minutes to calm down, reducing impulsive, anxious, or angry responses.

  • Utilize the PARENTS Acronym: Pause, Assess, Reflect, Empathize, Nurture, Think, and Self-care (this is a new one for me- I’m looking into it!)

  • Prioritize Self-Care: Manage your own anxiety and stress through exercise or quiet time, as a regulated parent helps regulate the child.

  • Stay Engaged, Not Escapist: Remain "in the game" (nearby) rather than completely disengaging, which allows for supportive, calm guidance.

• Reframing 

  • Focus on Effort, Not Outcome: Praise the hard work and process rather than just the success, helping the child feel safe to fail.

  • Normalize Failure: Discuss your own failures and mistakes to show that failures are stepping stones to future success.

  • Get Curious: Instead of lecturing, ask questions like "What happened?" and "What did you learn?" to encourage problem-solving.

  • Avoid Blaming Others: Resisting the urge to blame teachers or coaches for a child's failure helps them develop accountability and resilience.

    
    

I’ve got some of these strategies in place, and I fully realize that I am a work in progress.   So part of my work going forward is this reminder:  Failure is a crucial teacher for building emotional resilience in children. It helps them learn to handle discomfort, confusion, or failure without falling apart. This process, known as frustration tolerance, is essential for resilience. Children who face failure learn to problem-solve, regulate their emotions, and form their identity.   And isn’t that what we all want for our kids?  

If you are interested in exploring further, we've got a couple of podcasts around these topics. Check out Where They’re Planted podcast number 34 about frustration and failure, and the latest podcast, number 47, all about emotional resilience.