Living with intention

"Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love." - Mary Anne Radmacher

I’ve settled into the fact that there is something challenging about every stage of parenting, that it never really gets to be “easy.”  Parenting three teenagers has certainly highlighted my own anxiety about the future, and I consistently see the places where my kids aren’t “ready.” My default pattern would be to “make them ready” by telling them what they need to do/should do/have to do in order to be successful in life.   And those conversations when this pattern takes over?  - They don’t go so well, for either of us. 

So I’m practicing something new-  the idea of having curious conversations with my kids about their motivations, desires, and goals, and helping them frame their own intentions.  These conversations allow me to gain insight into my kids’ inner worlds, and allow me to gently guide them toward ways to think about or be in the world, rather than add to their list of “things to do.”   

One of the first shifts I needed to make was moving from goals to intentions.  We talked about intentions for parents earlier this month, and it seemed like a natural flow to talk about intention setting with children and teens.  Remember, intentions are ways of being, or how you want to show up in the different areas of your life.  Some examples for kids (really, for anybody!):

• Try even when something feels hard

• Ask for help when I’m stuck

• Practice being kind to my body

• Notice when I need a break

  
  

We often hear that goal setting helps children build motivation, confidence, and responsibility. And while that can be true, many parents notice something else too: when goals are framed as expectations or outcomes, kids can quickly feel overwhelmed, discouraged, or “not good enough.”

For children—especially those who are sensitive, anxious, neurodivergent, or already under a lot of pressure—traditional goal setting can activate stress rather than growth.

Intentions can help kids build self-awareness and agency without tying their worth to an outcome.  Check out the following tips, adjusting for your child’s language skills and developmental level. 

Start With Safety, Not Self-Improvement

Children can only reflect, plan, and grow when their nervous system feels safe. If a child is already dysregulated, tired, or feeling criticized, conversations about goals will likely shut them down.

Choose calm moments like during a walk, bedtime (if that’s a calm time!), car rides, or while doing something side by side. 

Lead with curiosity, not correction.

You might say:

• “What feels hard right now?”

• “What do you wish felt a little easier?”

• “Is there something you want to work on, or something you want more help with?”

  
  

Make It Small and Child-Led

Big goals can feel abstract and heavy. Small, concrete intentions feel doable.

Instead of:

• “Be more responsible with homework”

Try:

• “What would help homework feel less stressful?”

• “Do you want to try one small change this week?”

Let your child choose whenever possible. Ownership increases motivation.

Focus on Effort and Awareness

Kids learn more from noticing their experience than from hitting a target.

Celebrate things like:

• “You noticed you were getting frustrated and took a break.”

• “You kept trying even when it was tricky.”

• “You asked for help—that’s a strong skill.”

This teaches kids that growth comes from awareness and effort, not perfection.

Revisit, Reflect, and Adjust

Intentions aren’t contracts. They’re experiments.

Check in gently:

• “How did that feel?”

• “What worked?”

• “What felt too hard?”

If something didn’t work, that’s information—not failure. Adjust together.

You’re the Model

Children learn goal and intention setting by watching parents. Share your own intentions out loud:

• “I’m practicing taking a breath before I react.”

• “I’m working on resting when I’m tired.”

This normalizes growth as a lifelong, compassionate process.

The Bigger Picture

When we help kids set intentions rather than performance-based goals, we’re teaching them self-trust, emotional awareness, flexibility and resilience. 

And perhaps most importantly, kids and teens learn that they are already worthy—intentions and goals can be about support and growth, not "fixing" who they are.

Want to explore more ideas for curious conversations?   Check out our individualized parent coaching model at Thriving Parents Collective.