“A human being running at a deficit needs a deposit from another human being in the form of connection, calm and regulation.” - Lisa Feldman Barrett
As parents, we all know the busyness of the upcoming holiday season. We are also familiar with watching magical moments unfold for our children, and moments later- watching our little humans meltdown in fits of rage and upset.
It turns out, there are very real brain- and body- based reasons for the tantrums, refusals, and generally lousy behavior seen at social gatherings, family dinners, and community outings during this time of year. Drs. Mona Delahooke and Lisa Feldman Barrett talk about body budgets- the idea that our bodies and nervous system are constantly working to keep us in homeostasis, and in order to keep our brains and bodies operating efficiently, we need to balance any withdrawals from the system with deposits.
Withdrawals from our nervous system naturally happen throughout the day. Waking up in the morning, digesting food, managing social situations, and keeping your body warm in the cold weather, all require energy from our systems and can be considered withdrawals. Even events that are enjoyable can deplete our nervous system due to the energy it takes to manage the sensory experience and social expectations. These withdrawals help explain why adding any extra outings or events to an already busy day is likely to bring about a meltdown.
Adding increased behavioral expectations (wait your turn, say please and thank you, show gratitude) will also exhaust an already overdrawn body budget, leading to more frequent and intense meltdowns during the holiday season.
Dr. Jazmine, founder of The Mom Psychologist, identifies symptoms of an overdrawn body budget in different age ranges:
Ages 2-3 : increased clinginess and resistance to greetings/sharing
Ages 4-5 : becoming silly/wild at the wrong times, trouble following rules, showing off
Ages 6-7: more sensitive to corrections, struggles with waiting, gets frustrated easily
Ages 8-10: withdrawal
So how to keep your kids’ body budgets replenished? Experts recommend building in time to rest and connect -it is okay to say no to some holiday festivities! Never underestimate the power of an evening at home snuggling under the blankets and reading books. As always, make sure your child is getting enough sleep and has had enough to eat. Foreshadow and prepare for special events- identify quiet corners your child can retreat to if needed, set reasonable expectations for how long you can attend, and keep yourself regulated if you do need to leave a gathering earlier than you wanted. You can also build in micro-breaks throughout those days that are especially busy and require a lot of transitions. Find five minutes to connect with your child with a hug, silly song, or quiet conversation. These moments of connection may be the most valuable deposits in keeping kids regulated and well-resourced.
Some questions to ask yourself this season, keeping body budgets in mind:
What does our family value? What events and gatherings align with our values?
What are the essential events? Where/how do we want to spend our limited body-based resources? What can we do to set our child up for success for the essentials?
Do I know some sensory calming tools, for myself and my child, that I can build into the day?
Spend your time and budgets wisely this season!
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