The power of rituals and routines

Family walking in autumn

“Children feel far more secure when things happen predictably- with routines, rituals and traditions.  These traditions, big or small, create anchors of stability especially in rough seas.”  - Fred Rogers

Is it feeling like your family is in the midst of rough seas - adrift with no anchor? One way to get grounded again comes from the timeless wisdom of Mr. Rogers: create some predictability by establishing routines and rituals.

Think of daily or weekly routines as ways to build safety and predictability, for both you and your children.  

It may be the morning routine for getting ready for school, a bedtime routine, or a routine for transitioning out of the house for errands.   Using a checklist, asking the same questions, or just moving through the routine with a sense of rhythm all help our kids know what to expect, and there is safety in that.  In age-appropriate ways, ask your child to help build routines. Having input helps build emotional intelligence and communication, and can help kids feel some control over situations that may be anxiety-producing.  Routines provide opportunities for kids to practice executive functioning skills, like thinking ahead, or finishing one task before starting another.  

Routines can also serve parents by reducing stress - it takes away some of the need for in the moment decision making as you can remind yourself and your child you are following the plan or routine.   Routines can also increase your confidence in your ability to handle sometimes tricky moments.  

Think of rituals as opportunities to create connection and joy in your family.  They may  happen just as often as routines, but their purpose is to slow down, and create special memories and bonds. 

It could be a unique goodbye ritual before school, or a coming back together ritual at the end of the day.  Perhaps it’s a ritual around seasons or holidays, or a Friday game night or Saturday morning pancake ritual.  Shared hobbies and interests can be rituals.  

For children, rituals can boost self esteem and bonding as they help children feel special and cared for, create a sense of belonging within the family unit, and create memories.  For parents, rituals may be a place to feel joy and find connection with their kids in an increasingly busy world. 

My now teenagers still ask to do our annual autumn walk in a state park followed by buying caramel apples and apple pie, and still insist on the “anything you want for breakfast on the first and last day of school” ritual (I apologize to teachers for the years of candy bars and potato chips).  

Chances are you already have some routines and rituals in place in your family- can you be even more intentional with them?   When we bring our full presence and intention to a routine or ritual, we increase its  power to create safety and connection.  

Some questions for reflection:

• What routines are already in place, and are there other tricky parts of the day that could benefit from a routine? 

• How could your child contribute to creating a routine? 

• Are joy and connection sometimes missing from your home?   Can you think of rituals that could help? 

• How can you bring more presence and intentionality to new or existing rituals?  

Want to hear more about routines and rituals? Season two of the Where They're Planted podcast starts soon, and will feature a session on setting up routines for regulation. Check out other Where They're Planted podcasts here.