“It’s in our nature to seek both autonomy and relatedness. We often seek support from others to undertake new adventures in our lives and also need a haven from exploration where we can just fill our own emotional cup in the “and” of a close relationship.”
― Kent Hoffman, Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child's Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore
If you have been following along in our attachment series (here), you know we have gotten curious about the quality of attachment to ourselves, and considered how to create safety and security through seeing and soothing our children. We continue to dive into strategies for creating a secure attachment with this blog, grounded in the idea that secure attachment is the foundation for growth and progress.
The Circle of Security Framework by Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell, clinical psychologists, was developed as a practical training program for parents and caregivers. The Circle is founded on the premise that from a secure base of the parent-child relationship, children can explore the world, and then return to the safety of their caretakers when needed.
The Circle of Security shares the following principles with other theories of attachment:
The quality of attachment between parent and child can change - caregivers can work on building a secure attachment no matter what the relationship looks like currently
Children’s learning of regulation skills can only happen when they feel safe in a relationship
Caregivers can develop specific skills to affect change in the attachment relationship; and that it is the work in managing the relationship and not the behavior which leads to the most impactful change.
What is unique in the Circle of Security framework is the idea that our children need us to “enjoy with them” and “delight in them.” Attachment is strengthened when parents communicate with their whole being - their “sparkly eyes,” their excited and warm voice, their relaxed and happy facial expressions, indeed, with their very presence - that they enjoy being with their child. Attachment is strengthened with every moment of shared connection, joy and play.
Does this feel impossible? We get it. Challenges in play, finding moments of connection, and creating joy almost always come up in parent coaching.
Some ideas for play, connection, and delight:
Create a change of environment - get outside, build a blanket fort, cycle through toys so some feel new again
Do something simple - sit and read or color, listen to music, hug, watch a movie together
Be silly - dance, use funny voices, snuggle, wrestle
Make believe - follow your child’s lead wherever they may go!
Questions for reflection:
*How can you communicate your delight in your child just as they are? Can you find joy in those things that make your child unique? Instead of wishing your child were different, could you find those characteristics that are special, endearing, or just plain funny?
*What shared experiences bring joy or feel good for you both? If you don’t know, what is something you could just try? Can you commit to a limited amount of time to play or be present each day?
Are you interested in creating more joy? Wanting to build a more secure attachment? Come work with us a the Thriving Parents Collective! (link)
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