Mindful Parenting - Brain based strategies
"Instead of questioning the way we handle things (and feeling guilty), what if we looked at those moments as our children showing us where we need to grow—raising us up. What a gift that would be."
Ashley Soderlund, Ph.D.
Does parenting seem especially challenging right now? Are you questioning your responses or feeling guilty about how you reacted to a minor behavior? Perhaps it’s the cold weather, the flu bug going around, the lack of daylight, or the pervasive worry about basic needs and safety in our communities. Whatever it is, staying calm in response to our children’s behaviors, bids for attention, and communication attempts is taking a lot of effort.
And perhaps you are noticing that despite your intentions set for the new year (“I won’t yell at my kids”), you are falling into old patterns of reacting when under stress. Last month, we discussed some body-based strategies for maintaining calm and being mindful when parenting (link here). This month, we take a look at brain-based or cognitive strategies for mindful parenting.
It’s important to note that we may not be able to access these more cognitive strategies unless we first do the work of calming our nervous system. A framework created by Dr. Bruce Perry, author and psychiatrist, is helpful here:
Dr Bruce Perry has suggested that “the way to repair developmental trauma is to work with the child's brain in a sequential way, working first with the primitive brain, then with the limbic brain and then with the cortical brain.” In essence, when supporting children in learning something new, we need to “regulate, relate, and then reason.”
It makes sense that the same goes for adults - first we regulate our nervous systems, acknowledge our feelings and look for connection or safe relationships, and then we can use reason or a brain-based strategy.
When parenting is stressful, some cognitive strategies to consider, once you have regulated your body:
Reflect on your child’s developmental stage and your expectations. Ask yourself if they match.
Bring acceptance to what is happening right now. Remind yourself it makes sense. Notice if you are operating from a place of “shoulds” (ie, “my child should know how to handle this by now”).
Become aware of any fears or limiting beliefs that are influencing your responses.
Bring to mind your intention for parenting (“I am a calm and curious parent” “I am able to help my child calm”).
If you are looking for ways to grow your toolbox, contact us now about 1:1 parent coaching options, empowered parent support groups, or our on-demand learning series. Contact Us!
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