Today we are starting a 4 part series on how to create secure attachments in parenting.
“If we want our children to be independent, to go out and take on the world, we have to give them full confidence that they can come back to us as needed. Autonomy and connection: That’s secure attachment.” - Kent Hoffman
In our work at Thriving Parents Collective and Children’s Therapy Network, we believe in the power of secure relationships to affect change for children and families. It makes sense then, that we spend some time in each cycle of parent coaching on the concept of attachment styles, and strategies for creating a secure attachment. We dedicate time to it partly because the research tells us how important attachment is, but more importantly, because parents so often tell us they wish their connection with their child would feel different.
We have done a deep dive into attachment in our Where They’re Planted podcast called "Attachment: Patterns of Parenting". Click on the links to learn more:
The research around attachment has given us ways to identify and refer to different attachment styles. A secure attachment is generally regarded as leading to the best outcomes- helping to create confident, resilient, and connected kids and adults. There are also different types of insecure attachment - avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. While it is often worthwhile to explore your attachment style to your own parental figures in a coaching session, the next few blogs in our series will focus on strategies to create a secure attachment with yourself and your child. The most hopeful data to come out of attachment science suggests that we can always work toward a secure attachment and healthy connection with our kids, no matter what age.
There are several frameworks to consider when talking about creating a secure attachment.
Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, psychologists and authors, are well known in the area of attachment. Their book, The Power of Showing Up conceptualizes secure attachment as a result of parents who are present, who then help their children feel safe, seen and soothed.
The Circle of Security program, created by Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell is another attachment-based framework, and works towards helping parents read and understand their child’s emotional world, support their child’s ability to manage emotions, enhance self esteem, and honor the desire for their child to feel secure.
Finally, with our advances in studying the brain, researchers have been able to determine the neurological basis for attachment. For example, Dr. Sarah McKay, a psychologist in New Zealand, has written The Baby Brain, detailing how pregnancy and motherhood can sculpt and rewire the brain. Lisa Feldman Barrett has studied how being around other peoples’ brains can affect your regulation, and how that may relate to parents building attachment with their children (Mindful.org, Your Brain Secretly Works with Other Brains, May 2021).
We will dive into each of these frameworks, with specific strategies to support parents in earning a secure attachment in our coming blog posts.
“When we begin to know ourselves in an open and self-supportive way, we take the first step to encourage our children to know themselves.”- Dan Siegel
For now, consider the quality of attachment you have with yourself, as this relationship with yourself will, in part, determine the quality of relationships you have with others. Some questions for reflection:
Are you aware of your own needs/thoughts/emotions and desires? In other words, are you attuned to yourself?
Is it challenging to be kind to yourself? Are you able to repair with yourself when you make a mistake?
What comes up for you when you experience emotions such as anger, grief, or worry? Are you able to hold space for these emotions?
Do you believe your worth is determined by what you accomplish? Are you worthy of love and respect for just being you?
Curious to learn more or dig a little deeper? Would you like the support of a coach to explore attachment and connection?
Join us at the Thriving Parents Collective: www.thrivingparentscollective.com
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