Repair as a nervous system conversation

"We often think of repair as the conversation that fixes the problem. But healthy repair isn't really about making the problem disappear. It's about changing what two people experience while they're working through it... That's what repeated healthy repair begins teaching the nervous system. "

— Brandy L. House, Somatic/Relationship Insights

Early on in training to be a parent coach, we learned about rupture and repair.  Ruptures are those moments (big and little) where we are not attuned with our child, miss co-regulation opportunities, or maybe where we simply lose it.   We were also taught the steps to a meaningful repair:   Get calm yourself, connect, validate feelings, take responsibility, apologize, model a strategy for the moment and talk about what you will do differently next time.  

Seems straightforward enough, and with practice we see parents make progress with finding the words for a repair conversation.  Where we truly see relationship dynamics change, however, is when repair becomes a conversation between two nervous systems.  

When looking through the lens of nervous system science, a rupture is anything in the relationship that is felt by the nervous system to be a threat.  For many of our kids with sensitive nervous systems,  ruptures like a harsh tone of voice or a face that appears cold are seen as a significant threat to their connection with their caregiver.  And we would expect to see dysregulation and big “behaviors” at these ruptures.  When ruptures are seen as nervous system events, it makes sense that repair is also a nervous system event.    

And that of course starts with us.  Parents can begin by noticing what happens in their own bodies during conflict or rupture, and can then practice of bringing two nervous systems into repair and connection. 

Some prompts to reflect on  as you practice repair:      

• How do you know there was a rupture? What did you notice in your child that might come before or be smaller than dysregulated behavior? A  change in tone or body language?   Your nervous system will pick up on your child’s nervous system dysregulation before your mind will. 

• What did you notice in yourself that would indicate a rupture?  Do you feel tense, hot, prickly, heart pounding?   

• Can you catch the story you are telling yourself?  For many of us, our thoughts may be the first noticeable clue that we are having a reaction. It’s helpful to understand that story follows state - the mind narrates what the body is sensing.  Get good at identifying your nervous system cues, and you will be much further along in using your mind to help you problem solve.  

• How do you know when you are ready to attempt repair?  Identify what you need to  feel in your body in order to make repair an actual co-regulation event.  Do you need to feel grounded? Clear? Brave?  Settled? 

• Bring your presence and your regulated self to the conversation.   How can you communicate through your body that you are calm, open, and ready for reconnection?   Do you need to unclench your jaw, soften your eyes, drop your shoulders, or bring some gentle rocking movement into your body? 

• Reflect on your tone- often how we say it is more important than the actual words. 

• Can you set an intention to practice repair often?  We know that consistency- knowing what to expect -  creates safety for the nervous system.  Repeated instances of rupture followed by repair creates the feeling that the bond is strong and connection will not be broken forever.  Our kids learn to be resilient - bouncing back from the little ruptures and moving through the process of big ruptures with us.  Does this mean you need to repair every little thing that happens during the day?  Absolutely not.  But chances are there will be one thing each day that could use a nervous system reconnection.  

• Get curious about what your own body considers repair- is it a hug? Talking it out? Then find out what is calming to your child’s nervous system during repair - touch? Movement/rocking? Your presence with few or no words? Bring what your child needs to the moment of repair. 

  
  

Ultimately, these nervous system conversations help our children learn that conflict will happen, conflicts can be resolved, and relationships can bounce back.   Think of repair as a process or a journey and not just as a single event or conversation.  Over time, the nervous system will develop a felt  sense of safety, within which we can see our kids can thrive.