Navigating school challenges

​"Every student can learn, just not on the same day or in the same way." - George Evans

"Inclusion is not a strategy to help people fit into the systems and structures which exist in our societies; it is about transforming those systems and structures to make it better for everyone." - Diane Richler

The coaches at TPC have been talking lately about how parenting can feel challenging in so many ways. One of the biggest stressors we hear about in coaching parents with neurodiverse children is navigating school challenges. Most parents hope school will be a place where their children grow socially and emotionally, while making steady academic progress. But for many families raising children with neurodiverse brains, school can instead become a major source of stress—not only for the child, but for everyone at home.

You might recognize some of these experiences:

• Teachers report your child is “fine” at school, but at home you see intense meltdowns, anxiety, or dysregulation before or after the school day.

• Or, things go smoothly at home, yet you receive frequent emails or phone calls from school about “behavior issues.”

• Homework has turned into a nightly struggle filled with frustration, tears, and disconnection.

• Your child has an individualized plan, but it doesn’t seem to fully address their needs, and challenging behaviors continue both at school and at home.

  
  

Communicating about behavioral challenges at school or home with school personnel can leave parents feeling judged, ashamed, and angry. Those feelings can easily spill over into interactions at home with your child, creating more disconnection and intensifying the behavioral cycle.

As with so many obstacles in parenting, there isn’t a quick fix for school-related challenges. However, there are small, intentional steps you can take to regulate yourself, support your child and the parent-child relationship, all while strengthening the home–school dynamic.

Parent–Child Relationship Strategies

Prevention

• Adopt a team mindset. Let your child know you’re in this together and school challenges are something you’ll work on as a team.

• Prioritize regulation. Identify what helps your child feel safe and grounded—sensory needs, environmental adjustments, routines—and build those supports into daily life, especially before attempting homework or any school routine. Identify what regulates you as well!

Intervention when there are school challenges

• Check in with yourself - what feelings are coming up? Are you operating from a place of fear, shame or anger? We often need to validate those feelings, and then decide how we want to show up as a parent for our child. A little space so you can respond rather than react can go a long way in staying in connection with your child.

• Stay curious, not interrogative. Ask gentle, open questions rather than drilling for explanations about school behavior.

• Regulate and relate before reason. Address your child’s emotional state first; save teaching, problem-solving, or consequences for later, when they’re able to access their thinking brain.

  
  

Strategies for working with schools

Prevention

• Clarify your values and priorities.  What matters most right now for your child? Safety, connection, and regulation often need to come before academic expectations. Make a plan for how to communicate those priorities with your child's teacher.

• Communicate proactively—and positively. The “connect before correct” principle that we teach to parents? It applies to teacher relationships as well. Share helpful information with a collaborative tone.

Intervention

• Use collaborative problem-solving. Work with your child (and the school) to explore triggers, lagging skills, needs, and possible solutions. Keep in mind that traditional consequences may not help your neurodiverse child learn the skills they need to be at school successfully. AND, know that schools are sometimes stuck with rules that require certain consequences. Sometimes the best route to take after a behavioral incident is too make a plan to prevent future incidents.

  
  

Supporting a neurodiverse child in the school system can feel overwhelming at times- we hear it from parents often. Small, intentional shifts—in communication, in routines, and in relationship—can make school feel more manageable for your child and your family. Check out our Podcast, Where They're Planted, episodes 39 and 40, for more school-specific insights and strategies.