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Meaningful Communication




Words and language have always fascinated me.  Watching my kids develop language as toddlers, learning a second language, or even  doing the daily Wordle puzzle brings me real joy.   Using words and language to create communication within relationships has been slightly less delightful.  Partly because it involves listening, which is a whole different skill from communicating; and partly because it is challenging to stay regulated enough to figure out how to manage conflict, compromise, and/or state my feelings and needs.  

  

I came across the work of Oren Jay Sofer in a mindfulness training, and continue to follow his work.  One of the most important concepts has been The Three Foundations of Mindful Communication, which involve: 


  • Presence (Being Here): This is the foundation of the practice, involving showing up fully in a conversation without preparing your next point or planning. It requires slowing down, grounding in the body, and offering non-reactive, compassionate attention to the other person.

  • Intention (Motivating Action): Intention serves as a compass, directing the energy of the conversation. It involves moving away from agendas to win or be right, and instead cultivating a genuine desire to understand the other person’s perspective.

  • Attention (Focusing Awareness): This involves training the mind to focus on what is essential in the moment, rather than getting caught up in stories or judgments. It includes active, heartfelt listening and noticing the needs behind words.


I wholeheartedly agree with these foundations, but knowing of them and actually embodying them seem to be two completely different skill sets.   I often struggle with presence - either multitasking or having an agenda for how I want conversations to go. I can sometimes notice what is happening in my body, but sometimes that is ALL I can notice, and I forget to listen.  I may start a conversation with my teen with good intentions, but once I hit a roadblock (a shrug or “I don’t know”) I lose my intention and move into control.   Attention is variable, depending on my sleep the night before, or how many to-do lists I have in my mind.  And even though I want to listen, it’s challenging to stop the stories in my head about how my teen is ‘obviously making the wrong decision.’  


If you find yourself struggling with meaningful communication with your child, consider the following: 

  • Is there more talking to or talking with in your home?  How many conversations are just information-passing and how many conversations have the intention of connection?   What would you like the ratio to be?  If you are looking for more connection, can you commit to one conversation daily that is primarily for connection?

  • What was your model for communication growing up?   Was conflict avoided?  Was language used to control?  Think about your patterns within the child-parent relationship now, and know that it is on you as the adult to make shifts in those patterns. 

  •  What is your child’s developmental level?  Do they struggle with expressive or receptive language skills?   Is there neurodiversity that makes communicating about emotions or communicating for connection more challenging?    While you may need to use fewer words, adjust your vocabulary, or slow down your pace, can you maintain the energy of being present and curious?  


Check out the Where They’re Planted podcasts where we dive into communication - Episodes 48 and 49 specifically.

Listen here.



 
 
 

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