​​Triggered by Your Child? How to Recognize and Regulate Before Reacting

"My kids aren't to blame for triggering me, pushing my buttons, or driving me up the wall. It's on me to work through those triggers, remove those buttons, and tear down the wall instead of expecting my kids to change their behavior before I change mine."

– Inspired by Iris Chen

Parenting is almost designed to test our limits. We spend our days tending to endless needs, often putting our own on hold. Over time, that imbalance can build into overwhelm and resentment—so when something small goes wrong, it can unleash a reaction that catches us off guard.  These moments  are triggers - those intense emotional reactions that feel disproportionate to the situation.   And triggers are more common than most parents want to admit.  

We spend a fair amount of time in parent coaching bringing awareness to, and planning for, triggers.  Why?   To help parents model emotional intelligence, to avoid blaming kids for adult reactions, and to protect the feelings of safety and connection that are crucial in the parent-child relationship.  

Experts identify different types of triggers: 

• Emotional triggers: Feelings of disrespect, rejection, or fear that can be activated by a child's actions.

• Sensory triggers: Overstimulation from noise, touch, or smells that overwhelm a parent's nervous system.

• Past trauma: Significant past trauma can cause a "fight, flight, or freeze" response to seemingly minor issues.

  
  

Identifying triggers 

• Reflect on what situations are consistently challenging - homework/meal time/morning routines?  

• What physical sensations do you notice during the moments- tense jaw, flushed face, rapid heartbeat?  

• What thoughts are you having about your child in that moment?   

• Can you identify what type of trigger might be at play - emotional, sensory, or past trauma? 

Practical steps for managing triggers

• Validate whatever emotions are coming up when you are triggered - it makes sense that you are having these intense feelings!

• Identify daily practices that will help you manage overwhelm - exercise, enough sleep, time in nature, time for connection and joy.

• Identify in-the-moment strategies for those times you have already identified as especially challenging (for example, a strategy for homework time).

• Practice compassion and forgiveness - know that this is a journey, and there will be mistakes on the way!

  
  

Understanding and managing triggers is a form of self-care that benefits the whole family.  Modulating our reactions to stressful situations models regulation skills for our children, and maintains stronger connections for a more peaceful home environment. 

If you are interested in exploring regulation skills, join us for a free online conversation:  From Surviving to Thriving- What to do when you don’t like Parenting.  

Register Here