One of the questions we often hear in parent coaching is something along the lines of: “How do I let my child know that I love them while at the same time, let them know their behavior is not okay?”
Working with the strategies of attachment can help build a solid, connected relationship between parent and child where growth, progress and behavior change can take place.
In our last blog, we offered some reflection questions for considering your relationship to yourself. Now we turn to strategies for creating a strong connection between you and your child.
In the Power of Showing Up, authors Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson offer the framework of the “Four S’s” - helping children feel safe, seen, soothed will lead to a secure attachment.
Attachment starts with a parents’ presence - the simple act of being available, and bringing with you a calm and curious presence. This presence starts with regulating yourself, which means creating space for your feelings and needs so you can then hold space for whatever your child is experiencing. A curious presence involves wondering about your child’s behavior and what it may be communicating.
Once a calm and curious presence has been established (know that this is a work in progress- no parent is calm at all moments), attachment can be cultivated as parents work on:
Safety - Obviously one of a parent’s first jobs is to create physical safety- protecting kids from physical harm. Not so obviously, parents also need to commit to emotional safety by not being a source of fear or stress for your child. This involves being mindful of the words you use, but also your tone and body language. When there is a conflict or rupture (because there will be at some point), or your words may have created stress for your child, repairing (apologizing) goes a long way in creating an overall sense of safety for a child (check out our podcast episode on Rupture and Repair).
Seeing - Truly seeing your children involves (1) attuning to their internal mental and emotional state (2) coming to understand how they experience life through sensory and nervous system science, and (3) responding to what you see and helping your child make sense of their inner world.
Soothing - When a child is in distress, they need a parent or caregiver to co-regulate with them. A child may still suffer or feel stress, but knowing they are not alone in their distress can be calming and ultimately shift the experience. As Siegel and Bryson explain it, this parent-directed “inter-soothing,” will help a child learn “inner soothing” or regulation for themselves. Soothing actions will look different depending on a child’s age and developmental level (think what you do for a toddler vs. what you might do to help a teen), and attachment is built when parents are able to respond appropriately.
“From early infancy, it appears that our ability to regulate emotional states depends upon the experience of feeling that a significant person in our life is simultaneously experiencing a similar state of mind. “- Dan Siegel
The authors believe a secure attachment results from the first three “S’s” . We give our kids a secure base when we show them that they are safe, that there’s someone who sees them and cares for them intimately, and that we will soothe them in distress. Through secure attachment, children can grow into the unique individuals they were meant to be.
An exploration of attachment through this framework might reflect on the following questions:
Do you allow your child to express emotions? Are you able to let your child know their feelings make sense?
What does it look like after you have a conflict or rupture with your child?
Are you able to help your child make sense of their experience?
What does your child need to feel safety?
Are you ready to explore attachment and see how these concepts can make a difference in your home? Explore our empowered parenting online course or our 1:1 coaching at Thriving Parents Collective!
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